so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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