When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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