i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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