I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize