he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
