There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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