So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
