you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
