Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
