I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize