you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
