the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
