mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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