I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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