i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
