I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
