i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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