Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize