How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
