i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize