I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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