So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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