I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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