when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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