Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
