my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
