I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
