if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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