C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
