Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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