I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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