I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
