she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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