Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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