imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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