I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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