my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
