Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
