her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hippo gnu deer
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
