I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
