I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
