why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
