the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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