He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize