I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
