She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
