she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
