I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
