happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
