Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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