I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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