and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
