I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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