plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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