i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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