he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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