I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
