Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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