Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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