i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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