Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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