can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize