so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
